Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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