between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
