I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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