anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
