Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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