Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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