Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
