You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
