dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
