I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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