I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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