I just pynch a tree in the face
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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