you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
