seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
