I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
