cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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