38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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