my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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