if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
