Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
