Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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