Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
