Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
