how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
What drink are we having for lunch?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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