she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
