In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
