He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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