So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
please come you make the beer taste better
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
it's like iHOP with fire
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
