so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Randomize
