I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Who died my cat blue again?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
