you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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