I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Dicks are not precious.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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