I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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