My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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