Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
