It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
