I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
