I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
