Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
