thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He passed out mid-signature
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
