I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
