I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize