Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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