i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
