You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
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