you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
