I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
