Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
