how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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