How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
