he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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