i wish semen tasted like chocolate
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
